President: New speech tax will fund wall

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a move to help fund his Great Wall On Mexico efforts, President Donald Trump said the government will start charging for free speech.

The executive order, signed Friday, states that all controversial speech will be assessed a 1st Amendment tax. Additional tariffs will be charged against any controversial speech from immigrants or foreign interests.

Opponents have criticized the move as undermining the cornerstone of American democracy.

"Listen, if the Founding Fathers had really meant to have free speech in America," the President said, "why was it just an add-on instead of listing it directly in their Ten Commandments?"

He added: "I can't believe how just anyone with a newspaper, a Facebook page or a Twitter account thinks they can say whatever they want these days, irregardless of the truth. Where do they think they are: China?"

Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto restated his opposition to The Wall. Trump responded: "That'll be $500, please."

Determining which speech is controversial will be a newly-created federal Department of Truth. The President has tabbed to head the new department Winston Smith.

"I know we haven't heard much from Secretary Smith since 1984," the President said, "but he'll be great, just great."

When reminded by reporters that Smith is a fictional character created by George Orwell, Trump called it a "hoax perpretrated by the lying liars who lie in media mediums. But keep it coming and we'll pay for that wall in no time."

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